>I like to practice for a home invasion on my toy monkey. I pretend the monkey is breaking into the house and I tear him to shreads. Criminals beware.I will kill to protect my...
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>This town is full of people who are so crazy, they could hurt themselves. The other night, we were driving home and a girl with long blond hair jumped out of a car and ran in front of our car. She was running really fast, almost as fast as I can run. It was freezing outside and she was almost naked and didn’t have any shoes on. Her feet were all bloody. Unlike dogs, who have feet that...
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>Exotic hairless guests

>A hairless Chinese guy has moved into the neighborhood and I don’t like it. Finn is very interested in him and she makes all kinds of flirty cooing sounds when he’s around. Mom invited the Chinese hairless guy and his mom to lunch and as soon as he walked in, he lifted his leg and peed on the living room floor. I don’t think he’s any kind of serious threat to me and I’m way more buffed...
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>Jack Brussel Sprouts

>Mom’s moping around because she’s “first choice” for a movie role. We met the director of LA Confidential last week and he really liked Mom but no call has come in yet. She was supposed to play Robert Duvall’s girlfriend in a movie but Mom knows that “first choice” in Hollywood isn’t worth one dried up Purina pellet. I don’t want her going to...
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>JAR Heads

>A couple of times a year, Dad gets invited to dinner by his agent and Dad gets to choose the restaurant. This time, Dad wanted to go to Bastide, his favorite restaurant in LA, but his agent said it was too pricey. Actually, Bastide is just a really pretentious Hollywood trough where dinner is served in a hundred, teeny courses and for what a dinner costs, you could pull a hundred dogs off of...
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